How to Let Myself Go

Making all the wrong decisions

Look at my untraceable steps

Phantoms in my mind

Weighing down on my dreams

Trying to hold on

To whatever I used to have

But I've lost sight of all that

Lost the determination and focus

Misplaced my motivation

You're asking me to keep holding on

But I don't know if I can

Make it through

The nights just get longer

I wish I only knew

How to let myself go.

For Granted

When something you once took for granted disappears, the feeling of loss is so profound, you can't even begin to feel it. You don't realise the true immensity of the situation at hand. You don't know just how much you'll suffer in the days, weeks, months to come. You don't understand that life can never get back to the way you once knew it to be.

And yet, once it all begins to sink in, you scramble. You try with every possible way, to hold on to everything you once had. It is so hard, so difficult to pretend as if the hurt isn't pulsating from every nerve in your body. You try, and with every day that goes by, you try just a little bit harder. And pretty soon, you're throwing all caution in the wind, doing every single thing you can, because you just want to rid yourself of the anguish that has become so routine to you.

All because of something you once took for granted.

Hold Me

I try to tell you I'm not worth it. But there's no one there to believe me. No on there to trust me. Instead, all you want to do is to hold me. Hold me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. And you make me melt. Sweeping away all my fears and worries. Fears and worries that are ever ready to fly back into the vestiges of my mind, to strike uncertainty in my soul. I want to believe, but I need convincing. So much more convincing. So continue to hold me. Hold me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

Fantasy World

Been living in a fantasy world of my own the past 5 months. Can’t deny that I’d been hoping everything in my dreams would come true. Sad to say it’s all gone the other way, and now it’s all being ripped away from me hard and fast.

Maybe I should have quit while I was still ahead, when I could have done it slow. But I stupidly believed that everything would work out in the end. And in my dreams, it would never have happed this way. And every night that passes me by, the hurt inside me grows, gradually swallowing my heart, lessening the feeling.

And yet all I want to do is cry

I Think Of You

I Think Of You

When I listen to this particular radio station;
When I hear your favourite songs;
When I see the brands you like;
When I see someone wearing the same hat you like;
When I lie in bed alone at night;
When that time of the month comes along;
When I see someone wearing the same kind of clothes;
When someone mentions the subject you study;
When it’s cold out and I need a sweater;
When I’m under my comforter;
When I see related things on Facebook;
When I enter a club;

And,
When I see you.

Can't You See?

It's when I'm pushing you away that I need the most help. Can't you see that when I say I'm okay, I really need you to ask me again how I am? I need to know if you'd be concerned enough to ask a second time, to really wonder if I'm alright, and not just to accept what I say.

Can't you see that when my eyes are red and puffy and I say I haven't been crying, I really need you to hold me and tell me everything will be okay? I need to know if you love me enough to ask no questions, and not just turn away and hide from my troubles.

Can't you see that when I've fallen so silent, for so long, I really need you to just sit with me and confide in me? I need to know if you trust me enough to make me a part of yourself, and not just treat me like anyone else.

Actions

Does the need for constant affirmation make me weak and desperate? Does the want for someone to hold and to hold me make me afraid and sad? Does the cries for help make me one to be ostracized and a failure?

Do my actions really define me as a person?

And I'm in Love

When it's too late to turn back
To rewind to that moment
The one which could have changed
Changed me and my entire life

When the image of you
Stuck in my mind
Blurs and fades
And I never thought I could
Be this close to losing

Completely losing control
Over what I say
Do, think, feel, write
I don't know what to do anymore
And it's so terrifying

When it's something never experienced
Something that's never happened
Not once or before
Not something I believed could
Could have happened
Not to someone like me

But it has,
And I'm in love.

Rainbows and Unicorns

Feathered resistance of imminent migraines
Head sideways on the table
Going as low as the table can go
Watching lit bars move up and down
Flickering the seconds past
No feeling in my heart
No pulse
Is this a sign of a heart attack?
Grabbing at the money
Thinking corrupt thoughts
Words written on the walls
Reflecting photographs of long lost misery
False smiles and posed eyes
Sick and tired of kissing ass

Rainbows and unicorns

Only To Me

Was looking around those eyes
Searching for my answer
To my truth
Turned around and around
Wondered what went wrong

Was waiting for my superman
To lose myself in his arms
Feeling low
Couldn’t find a familiar face
Missed out on the clue

Was beating to a still room
Heart almost to a stop
Got lost
Reaching out for the keys
Felt only a hole instead

Was lying on the table
Fighting against the splinters
Pushed hard
The tears refused to arrive
Dirtying the pooled hair

Was looking at my reflection
Black against the glass
And finally
The tears flowed on and on
Heart wrenching only to me